Friendship In A Time of Hate
In recent weeks, I have found myself observing and contemplating: observing the political discourse and social developments in many countries and contemplating on their state and the path we are all headed. I would never have written this article if it weren’t for a set of unrelated circumstances and new friendships. It was a reminder to me that sometimes it is the little things that help us slow down from our daily haste and ponder for a moment. It is a peculiar and difficult time for tolerance, liberty, free speech and coexistence, when individual freedoms, family, fellowship and community are purposefully under siege. Such elements that fill the human soul are attacked, leaving an emptiness that is reflected in the public arena.
Combating that emptiness requires a reclamation of those values and a rejection of toxic political culture. We need to agree once again that it is possible to disagree, to discuss, to fight without invoking some conspiracy that brandishes the other a renegade.
Each side – in many of their respective groupings – manifests an uncontrollable need to censor the other and force their opinion on who dares think differently. Nowhere has this been more obvious than in university campuses, for instance. What should have been a temple for the civilized exchange of ideas, has turned into ground zero for suppressing opposing viewpoints. We have seen in recent years as many conservative speakers invited to universities have faced protests and even violence from certain groups.
On the other hand, the Republican primaries have brought to the forefront loud groups of people that find enemies left and right, blaming, accusing, threatening many of those who once were on the same side. For example, if you dare criticize the former President, or even utter a word of dissent that differs from the official version the new Trumpian establishment puts forth, you are branded a RINO, a sellout, a pseudo conservative, a puppet of some mastermind, without the slightest proof.
The examples showing this madness of everyone retreating towards what they believe to be true, rejecting all debate and compromise are numerous throughout the West. Wokeness, cancel culture, censorship, lynching, McCarthyism and so on are eroding the common sense, trust and feelings of comradery that once existed.
Communism in my country – and surely everywhere it had a hold on – did exactly that. It created a duplicitous society in which brother turned against brother, friends spied on each other, and everybody was a suspect of some treasonous act. People were not safe even within their own thoughts. The natural bonds of love, family, friendship and trust were forcibly removed from most, along with every other freedom and human right. In their absence, spying, greed, envy and servitude were encouraged. Friends and family were discarded with ease if the Dictator so commanded, for only he was infallible.
Once again, in my view the individual finds himself under similar, albeit more subtle, pressures that force him to withdraw and thus worsen the crisis of representation in our liberal democracies.
This imposition from the top towards the bottom, from elites to the everyday people, of issues and notions not shared, wanted or accepted by most of the individuals has led to a rift in the social fabric of many societies, as things pushed through the use of force often produce. Empathy, tolerance, and acceptance are becoming less easy to find with each passing day. I think we are all to blame for this. I certainly can acknowledge in myself a part of the fault for falling prey to the basic instinct of a priori believing the other side to be wrong and irreconcilable with my beliefs. We rush to lay the blame at the feet of something or someone else. We hasten to judge and denounce.
Bitterness, resentment, frustration have substituted friendship, neighborliness, and fellowship. Maybe that is why our political, economic and cultural discourses seem so barren and toxic. I remember reading an article in the American Conservative, from Bill Kauffman, titled “Why can’t we be friends”, in which he recalls an episode involving Barry Goldwater and his former speechwriter, with whom Goldwater had disagreed on several major issues.
“The story is told of one incendiary antiwar demonstration outside the Capitol. Even the usual peace-and-justice congressional orators passed on this one—the potential for harmful publicity was just too high. To the astonishment of the protesters, only one politician showed up: the prowar Republican senator from Arizona, Barry Goldwater, who wandered through the shaggy-haired and combat-booted multitude asking the demonstrators, “Where’s Karl? Where’s Karl Hess?”
He found him. Karl and Barry shook hands. Neither changed his mind about the war or capitalism, but so what? The warm clasp of friendship was what mattered.”
Today, in the midst of a toxic political culture, you would not expect to find something like this.
Friendship is love without the wings; Lord Byron wrote a long time ago. It is one of the elements that keeps us grounded to reality and fights off our worst instincts. As Roger Scruton once said, “one of the problems of our time is that people do not form friendships that are stronger than our ties of belief”. I believe this emptiness we have let grow has led to this venomous environment we constantly nurture nowadays.
If we listened to this sadness and toxicity that surrounds us, we'd never find love. We'd never have a friendship, as Ray Bradbury would say. We would never build a strong society, a capitalist system or anything for that matter. I believe that emptiness can be filled again through the bonds we form. “We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so, in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over”, writes Bradbury in his Fahrenheit 451. Friendship, brotherhood or any bond in our lives thus, is not a single moment, but a series of simple, gradual gestures that fill the heart with kindness, encouragement, ambition, happiness and love. This is a fundamental concept of how a society goes forward. This should serve as an anchor for us as individuals.
I realized this recently through a new friendship I developed the past year by chance at work – if chance you call it. It was no plan of mine, as Tolkien would say, yet I cherish my friendship with Erik beyond words, even though we do not agree on many things. Especially because we do not agree on many things, including politics! That new bond helped me think, reflect and even judge things in a new light. If we come out of our bubbles, our comfort zones, and virtual spaces, we might find the most wonderful, amazing and brilliant people – perhaps by chance – who may surprise, inspire, challenge, fill our souls and make us better, instead of more bitter, divided and in constant conflict. These humane contacts can make all the difference, if we pay slightly more attention to them.
As a fusionist conservative, I often refer to Tolkien’s works. There I usually find many principles I believe in, that time and our politics try to erase – yet they remain timeless. Friendship and love in Tolkien’s world are more than bonds. They are embedded in the very fabric of creation. It is this notion of friendship that helps Frodo accomplish his mission, that moves the three companions to stay together and act to save Merry and Pippin and that casts a light even in the darkest of times.
We need to remember this more often and avoid stripping our lives of the friendship and love that Tolkien puts at the very center of Creation. Otherwise, our societies will be worse off. Friendships nurture our minds, bodies and souls. We are inspired to be better versions of ourselves and in turn families, communities and societies become better versions of themselves. I certainly am!
Around us, in our communities and societies, through our traditions and customs, we can surely find the guidance we need. I notice daily that my group of treasured friends with whom I regularly exchange informed opinions and analyses are more rational than most pundits, Twitter influencers and politicians. I have found that it is the guidance of such friends and my family that often inspires me and also sobers me up. Reading this, hopefully many can relate. We put so little faith in the individual, when the potential in each of us is mind blowing. The healing of our fractured societies can only start from the bottom up. We need to stop expecting politicians or bureaucrats to do what only the individuals and communities surrounding us can.
Hence, it is time we choose them, the individuals, our communities, families, the little platoons instead of bureaucrats and big government, those we trust instead of distant politicians. If we listened to and cherished more the strong bonds of friendships in our lives, people like Erik, whoever helps, guides or challenges us, instead of focusing on the leashes of Twitter debates and the cacophony of cable news, we would be better off.